Dingoes Ate My Blog!

It's been a while, I know. I've been hanging out with Richie from the MSPs. All very hush hush. Lost a few months and went through some serious soul searching.

Eventually after 9 months of vegetarian eating and drug consumption found a new way. A new light. I'd travelled the whole A38 in a 1972 splitscreen camper van and there, at the end, in the carpark of Mansfield Tescos was the reason.

Finally got loaded into the back of a car after languishing in a bonded warehouse for the best part of a fortnight with nothing to eat but customs officers. Was let out somewhere called "Bristol". Crikey.

Strange night. Out on the town with a few of the local ladies when I started feeling a bit funny then passed out - someone must have slipped some Rohypnol in my child. Woke up some time later in a large packing crate (full of laptops and satellite phones, thankfully) - assume I'm in a plane. But where will I end up?

Made it out of Alice (thank the lord, the "red centre" has a relative paucity of red meat). Surfers is dull. What I need is to broaden my horizons. To take on the world....

Still waiting to hitch a lift out of Alice. Should be able to smuggle myself out in a meat convoy tomorrow.

Fluffkins wrote to me saying I'm a father! Of course, she can't prove they're mine but I'm pleased to read in the paper there has been an increase in unexplained toddler abductions in the Gold Coast area. They're names are Dash Slash (-/) and Shriek Slash (!/)

Hitched my way down to Alice Springs in a backpacker bus - got a bit constipated with all the tinned meat so went for a run. Was nearly killed by a campervan which HURTLED towards me near Ayres rock. It smelt a bit meaty so I've stalked it the 4hours back to Alice springs and am preparing to move in for the kill.

Although a fight between a saltwater croc, a great white and a grizzly is one I'd still pay good money to see.